The NICU Dance

One step forward.. two steps back. This is the dance of NICU. We knew this of course- we witnessed it with Pat's kids. And today we danced the dance. Caelan is still doing really well- just a change in things. When I got there today, I walked in to find the respiratory therapist there and Caelan was intubated again and back on the ventilator. This was a bit of shock to my system and I didn't handle it well- I wanted to know what had happened to my son! The respiratory therapist said that Caelan's right lung had collapsed (originally it had been only the left one) and they have put in a chest tube on that side. I felt that moment of panic- I just knew that I was going to hold him today- that he would be one step closer to home. And here he was- back on the vent with chest tubes in both sides. The nurse came over to talk to me and they had paged Dr. St. Charles as well. Now, to back up a bit and be fair- the respiratory therapist is not the most comforting person- he is quite technical, does his thing and leaves- he is not the one for the gentle and compassionate interaction with the parents... that is more for the nurses and doctor who provide the constant care for the babies and parents. What happened was that Dr. St Charles and Julie (today's nurse) were watching for me to come in so they could explain Caelan's events of the morning... they both happened to walk out of the room for a second right at that moment that I walked in... so instead of being appropriately prepared, I walked in to something that was actually not as bad as it looked. AND... Caelan is ONLY 48 hours old- barely that... and the reality is that premies are NOT just all of a sudden ok and healthy enough to go home. We are still very early in the process... I should have known that- Reality check! I am ok now... I had a rough moment.... Matt was in Ludington of all times. But this is where our awesome and amazing God does what He does best- he takes care of us in our time of need.

I went out to 'take a breath' and call Matt. I used the courtesy phone in the waiting room- there was only one other person in there. I was a little upset and crying, trying to be strong- I told him about Caelan's changes and that he was going to be ok. I told Matt I didn't want to call family or anyone yet. He asked if I wanted him to call Pastor Brand to come visit me; I told him no. I was surprised by the fact but I actually wanted to just be alone. Matt understands me beyond belief! Anyway- as I hung up, the lady in the waiting room just smiled. She asked me how old he was- I told her a little bit about him. She said that she would pray for him. I asked her a little about herself- sitting in the waiting room of the maternity ward is an obvious sign that there is a baby involved! Then.... well, lets just say that God brought the two of us to each other... she is the adoptive grandmother of a baby in NICU- she had been there all night long... the baby was 5 weeks early, and the adoptive parents (her daughter and son in law) were on their way here from New Hampshire. They had lived in Burke for a while- around the same time we lived in Northern VA area as well. As we talked, there were so many similarities and connections in our lives. We hugged and we cried, we hugged some more. We talked about how much we each needed each other at that moment. God gave me the strength that I needed- He gave me that strength through this woman. One more 'coincidence'- her name is Barbara. I couldnt believe it. I told her I would pray for the baby in NICU and for the family; she will be praying for Caelan and for us.
So I went back in to NICU... and I was strong and focused. I felt God. And I put my hands on Caelan and prayed for him. And I prayed for him to feel God's hands around him. And for God to give both of us strenth. And I was fine for the rest of the day. Our God is truly amazing. And I love Him for it.
So.... Caelan is going to be fine. Dr. St Charles said that he is actually BETTER today. In spite of how it looks; the vent is a good thing- it allows his lungs to grow and heal. He is sedated in fact to keep him as low stressed as possible and to prevent him from working against the vent. Plain and simple, his lungs are premature.... this is so common in premies- boys especially. Once again- I KNOW that.... I just didn't want to. This will take him a few days to get over.... then we move forward. Right now is just the standstill. The pause in the process. Matt and I went back up there tonight to sit with him for a bit and tell him good night; God will take care of him.
So please continue to pray for our son- and for us.
Thank you to everyone for the support- the hugs were needed and the food was fantastic! We will post pictures tomorrow (sorry... none today... I need to go to bed!)