The Perry Crew: The Moments of Life

Caelan James

(pictures are from July 12-14)

There have definitely been quite a few moments over the past few days. Sunday was an up and down day. The upside was great- Caelan had visitors! Uncle Pat and Miss Lee came up to visit for a few minutes to see Caelan. Also, Jack Catton (very special friend, previous co-worker) and his wife Louise (or as I always call her- "The Lovely Ms. Louise") were in town for the weekend and came to visit on their way back downstate. It was so great seeing them and we were happy they were able to see Caelan while they were here; they prayed with us before they left.

And then there came the downside..... Matt and I went over to the cafeteria to eat dinner and I went back to hold Caelan for his 5pm feeding. His nurse had told us earlier that Caelan had a rough morning- a bit fussy, not feeling well. While I was holding him, singing to him- he was doing really well.... he was looking up at me and smiling (and of course melting my heart in the process). His alarms went off a couple of times but that is not unusual because his little wires get jiggled around while being held. But then his oxygen level dropped. And dropped a bit more. And... kept going. This wasn't loose wires either.
Now.... I will sidetrack a bit here to explain a couple of things about NICU. I love watching these people work. Situations are very in control- in fact, so much so that their movements seem 'deliberately slow' and their voices remain at a normal volume and once again, slow and controlled. When someones monitor alarms go off for a few seconds, the nurse will simply say aloud "We're ok" in a easy, relaxed tones. If they are not ok, they don't holler for help- but they don't give that one simple statement.... and other nurses start walking over to help. No one goes running all over and no one jumps in all gung-ho. The other nurses watch for cues as to what needs to be done and what their role is in assisting..... it is all so smooth and flawless. Graceful even.
So.... Sunday when Caelan's oxygen level started going down... there were suddenly 3 nurses standing there. Oh crap. One nurse adjusted the lighting for Caelan's nurse and the other turned his oxygen all the way up- she watched the monitor and calmly called out the numbers on the monitor, "85, 84, 82, 80, back up to 85, 87, 90." He came back up to normal and was a bit worked up (which is a good thing- I will take grumpy and breathing over lethargic and quiet any day) Caelan has been ok since that moment- but oh, that moment. Watching my son take that little dip.... and then come back up. The afterwards of it all as well. I was acutely aware of so many little things right then and yet so unaware. All through that evening, so many images and thoughts were in my head. Details. I remember standing there thinking to myself, "Be strong. You can do this. You must stay strong. No matter what is about to happen..." As Caelan was stabilized, the nurse asked me if I wanted to comfort him. So I sat next to his incubator with my hands tightly bundling him- against his feet and bottom and against his head- almost in a confining manner; and I talked to him. He was not crying, just stirring around too much. His eyes were open, quite alert; I sang to him and sshhed, and cradled. And I bit my lip to help hold back tears. Those precious eyes stared into mine. It is almost odd how keenly aware of that I was; those eyes looking into mine is still such a clear image of that moment. And again, I told myself to be strong, and that I had to be for him. But for a moment I thought, "Why? Why do I have to stay strong as steel? Is it ok to not be from time to time?" And yet, those eyes. I stayed there beside my precious son- I made sure he was completely settled and asleep and I tucked the blankets around him. The nurses came back over to start an IV (they have to change the IV location every couple of days). I stayed while they did it- just to the side watching. It is actually good for me to see the 'technical' side of things- it helps me stay focused on the reality without my emotions getting in the way. So I stood there very calmly. Still thinking through the events of earlier. And I felt the familiar tap on my shoulder, the familiar voice of God. "Be still and listen" They often have soft music playing in NICU.... the song at that moment? "Someone to watch over me..." I smiled. I relaxed. I knew. There is someone to watch over me.... and Caelan. And He was watching over us the entire time. I don't have to be strong as steel. He is for me.

"Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My right hand. For I, the Lord you God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you'"

Isaiah 41:10,13

(one of my favorites- and is actually in our portfolio)

Caelan has been fine since then- I am not sure what exactly happened. He didn't flinch through the IV, he did well for Matt holding him that night, and he has done fine since.